Dang, for all the good of two days I was back to hovering about the bedroom until 4 or 5 a.m. unable to sleep. Tinnitus is back and driving me crazy. The spouse and I aren’t speaking much—we haven’t found the balance of his retirement yet.
NINE OF STAVES ( 9 of Wands)
This character is Goldenrod, a reminder of allergy season no doubt and defence against the dark forces of pollen.
I used to read at night with the radio on in the living room, but the spouse likes to watch TV at night for hours after a huge, heavy meal, and it’s bringing me down. I used to eat lightly at night, and avoided watching junk and wasting time when I could be reading and listening to lovely jazz music. We have separate interests, I suppose I go watch TV for company.
I feel like a shapeless person who does nothing and has no purpose. This card implies a break to recharge personal power. This is actually sometimes a card of retirement in the literal sense, like resting, of getting ready to do something else, of waiting. Patience, keeping your counsel. It also points out the one idea or attitude you are clinging to quite firmly. Tension in Goldenrod holding his stance reminds me of my own chronic muscle tension.
I want to watch television when there is an actual program on that is good, instead of sitting and waiting, drifting through station after station with the remote fruitlessly trying to find something interesting. He often says he wants company but I can’t sit and watch four hours of golf on a Sunday and then another 4 hours of nothing. I’ve tried to do art or embroider in front of the television but particularly for art, I find I can’t concentrate and enjoy the process.
If it means I’m alone all the time and he’s alone I can’t see another way. I am giving up my life for inanity. I have nothing to do, and when I try to do something I hit a wall of pain. It feels pointless.
It’s one of those “I don’t know” days.