Daily Draw May 10th, 2013
Two of the new porcelain tiles in the kitchen have lifted already by the door and several more are making popping sounds. Our contractor has gone to the States for a horse show, but he still has to fix the counter end that isn’t capped and we are withholding a final payment. Good thing too. We have had him do work before with no problem. More stress, more worry when we don’t have the money. We had to do something as the kitchen was falling apart and had plumbing issues. The sunporch floor seems to be okay but my confidence in the idea of ceramic tile floors has disappeared.
I’m so upset I can’t sleep or concentrate, I’ve been up since 3 a.m., my usual hour of magical awakening to worry. I’m numb. My husband is the same, we are both tired of worrying. I feel like giving up. There is nothing ahead of me that’s worth living for. Constant physical pain and the worries of life sap enjoyment from my life.
So I’ll grab a card and see.
PAGE OF SWORDS
Well, he’s taking a warrior stance, the masked crusader. I also get the feeling of youth and lack of maturity here. Pages are like that. There is a lack of judgement in their interaction with people, kind of a “fools rush in” way of dealing with things that can be trouble.
I love this line from the Power Tarot book: “He finds it easier to detach from problems than to solve them.” Exactly so.
I have had perpetual stress for over a decade. It has worn my mind and body down. I find it hard to detach usually, but I’ve been learning lessons about the perils of attachment since 1999. I suppose it’s about finding the middle way, finding a way to be detached but not so detached and ambivalent that you don’t take action. The balance between determination and discouragement is an intellectual concept, a choice maybe.
People deal with upsets all the time, they just forge on. I think of mindfulness meditation and feeling things, acknowledging what comes up in the mind, no matter how upsetting or tiresome, and simply living with it, dealing with it peacefully. Not forcing it but flowing through it. During the past month I have often said to my husband, “I am tired of worrying about every little thing, I can’t do it any more.” So that’s a type of detachment that is good, but not good if it continues into refusing to deal with what comes up in life.
Rambling on at 4:51 a.m….