Daily Draw August 18th, 2012
I AM CALM
You’re swimming along, calmly and all these bright flowers shoot up from the mud……….
I am taking a homeopathic remedy and journalling on the advice of my Naturopath. The first day I was quite happy and cheery. The second day I was crabby and tired, and the third day I am pissed off and writing like mad, sometimes in big, black letters. I might scream and hit a pillow later on. Oh dear, good girls do not get angry with their friends, they listen with sympathy, they dare not talk about themselves when a dear friend wants to interrupt and talk yet again about one of their cats.
Yeah, right, well thanks for listening my dear, dear friend. I’m bloody tired of walking on eggshells with assholes who don’t give a sh….well you can see why that Duck is swimming by just now. Some things are best kept in the private pages of journals, or better yet written down and then burnt.
I’m going to do that, write a bunch of stuff down, scream and hit the pillow, and then burn the writing. I’m going to release all this tension from my body and burn it off.
So there. I already feel guilty and bad. The Duck card talks about how sometimes it is necessary to hide your emotions. Pretending to be calm helps you glide effortlessly through life, and be balanced in your emotions. “Don’t become so detached that you accidentally shut people out, especially those willing to offer a supportive shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear.”
Obviously Duck hasn’t been swimming in the sphere of the cat lady and the other asshole sociopath who pretended to be my friend for 40 years, or the two bipolar people who ranted and shamed me and berated me constantly, or the online “pals” who pretended to be other people and shopped my e-mails around and lied and lied and lied and said they’d done nothing wrong, that I was the one with the problem, I was too attached to my expectations. I shall collectively call them The Eggshell People.
Every fibre in my body screams with chronic tension and pain. Duck is paddling like crazy under the water and needs to come to shore and truly rest, not just pretend to be calm. Pretence/pretense, tense, tension. Today’s revelation.
Bloody ducks pretending.