9 OF CLUBS
Remember this little ditty?:
“The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
In your stomach and out your mouth”
Ah the joys of ruminating on death. I have been up for three hours with cascading nerve pain and muscle spasms. My approach for the last three days has been to stop taking pills: no more rushing to alleviate every pain and ache with Tylenol or aspirin.
I lie instead and concentrate on my breath and sometimes magically the pain dies down. I have built up such hatred for my body that I thought I’d try another way, the way of letting it be and just feeling it. The strange thing is that despite outrageous amounts of nerve pain I generally feel kindly toward my body for a change. I feel my breath is a cold compress on inflammation, a caress of comfort where none was to be found.
It’s tough, it’s hard to sleep, but I’m thinking that this habit of gulping anti-inflammatories, apart from making my liver hurt, is much like reaching for junk food when you feel anxiety or anger or sadness. Maybe the better way is to acknowledge it, feel it, breathe with it?
I am also finding that I have more energy and that because of the pain, I’m more careful of what I eat, more caring in reaching for better nutrition. Awareness…it’s a strength of resolve I haven’t had for a while. Drop the mask, drop the masking meds, and then what happens? An interesting thing.