Still at it, frigging around and worrying things on the computer. I got 1.5 hours of sleep last night and an extra 2.5 hours after the alarm went off at 5:30. Details, details, driving the mind.
Needless to say I am not exactly on steady ground today. I decided to do my routine card draw and blogging, and then I must get to some sewing. I finished a book but I am so anxious generally that I can’t sit and read. I feel the anxiety like a clamp across my chest and arm muscles—it really ramped up. Uptight, uptight, tight.
HONEYBEE – Heart Awakener – VI (The Lovers)
Vibration, sensitivity, a coming home to the self. Not much fun when you’ve let your Self vibrate away into obsession and insomnia.
So Honeybee is bringing me balance. I’m going to concentrate on happy tasks like finally, finally working in my handmade Towers journal after all this time. I had let it go, discouraged because the woman who gave me the original impetus to make the journal and had asked to start a study of the tarot Tower card, disappeared on me and seemed to lose interest. She was a vibrant, creative person, I felt such a letdown.
However, another artist and poetry lover has decided to work with me on this. I’m finding it hard to bring myself out of hibernation (I refuse to call it depression!) to work, but I have to learn to relax and let things go and just flow with art and words. I have to learn to trust people, as well as simply trusting myself.
You know how you build things up in your mind? This journal was like that for me as I went to extraordinary lengths to make it. So I’m afraid to wreck it, afraid to trust working together with someone. Afraid, afraid. It’s not that big of a deal, if I make a mistake, it’s not a big deal. It really isn’t. It’s about expression and working deeply with archetype, and I enjoy that. So just enjoy it Jude, let it go for bloody sake. Sheesh.
Interestingly, part of my poem for the title page uses sun and here the sun is shining: could be a sign maybe?